Just a minute of my time...

Ryan

In Memory of

Ryan Kenneth Zarlenga

12/7/87 - 2/23/93

In Memory of a Child

BY VACHEL LINDSAY

The angels guide him now,

And watch his curly head,

And lead him in their games,

The little boy we led.

 

He cannot come to harm,

He knows more than we know,

His light is brighter far

Than daytime here below.

 

His path leads on and on,

Through pleasant lawns and flowers,

His brown eyes open wide

At grass more green than ours.

 

With playmates like himself,

The shining boy will sing,

Exploring wondrous woods,

Sweet with eternal spring.

 

Yet, he is lost to us,

Far is his path of gold,

Far does the city seem,

Lonely our hearts and old.

How could it be 19 years when I still don't know how I survived one day without him in my life?

The definition of sweet, kind and loving

One of my favorite pictures, showing his shy, adorable self in that bugleboy shirt!

Remembering Ryan

Today Ryan would be 24 years old. It's hard to believe, since I only knew him as a sweet, small boy...

In keeping his memory alive I enjoy paying it forward throughout the day and sharing Ryan's story. This year we are also looking into building a scholarship for Ryan that will continue to keep his story and memory alive!

one of my favorites

Happy Birthday Ryan, hope your getting lots of cake!

Running and remembering

Running the Air force half marathon today and remembering my brother Joe...

February 14, 1966 - September 17, 2003

Remembering

Soon after arriving at my cousins house, her husband reminded me of the last time I went to San Francisco.  I was about 21 years old, and my brother was moving down to Los Angeles. My parents had made a deal with him that if he saved half the money for a music school he wanted to attend, they would pay the other half.  He surprised them and did it and at 19 years old was ready to head out on his own.  My parents didn't want him driving down alone, so I drove out with him and then after visiting with family for a couple days, flew back by myself.

Our trip out was amazing, something I'll have to dig out the scrapbook and reminisce about soon. Just Joe and I driving across the country. Funny thing, I doubt I would let my kids do the same thing, but back then for us, it was the time of our lives!  

 

Me, Joe, Keith and Lisa

I've been thinking a lot about my brother lately. On August 23, 2003, it was 8 years since the day he had his aneurysm. Then he battled for his life for three weeks in the hospital, until the scheduled surgery on September 16th. The results of the surgery took his life, and he died the next day.

I always remember getting the kids ready for back to school, Joel and Zach heading out on their last camping trip of the year, only for me to call searching for them and a park ranger having to go find them at their campsite to send them home.  That trauma stayed with Zach for many years...

 

 

 

In memory

18 years....

Its impossible to comprehend that eighteen years have passed without Ryan in our lives!  I've always tried to keep him a part of our lives, I mean how couldn't you... a piece of you has gone missing, you don't just forget about it.

But yet I have survived and that's not saying it was easy or that still today there aren't days that I am in a puddle on the kitchen floor.  But somehow I wake each day and try to go on with his loving spirit a part of my day.

I even dreamt about him the other night... those are always sweet to hold onto.  And of course the videos that we have of him are priceless gems that we let ourselves get absorbed into.

I didn't ask for this, I don't want to be this person that lost her son.  But here I am, trying to make a difference in others lives because of Ryan.

And so I will share a few of my favorite pictures of Ryan and the memories that they bring with them.

One of my favorites, I stayed up all night making their costumes.  It was okay because dad was out of town and I would have stayed up all night anyway because I could never sleep when he wasn't home.  Ryan's not wearing the cape or mask that completed his costume

He was always so sweet to his sister.  They had the McDonalds play food and drive through that they always played with!

Easter Sunday ready to go for brunch with the family

His 5th and last birthday. We spent the day at Chucky Cheese, he loved that place!

Who knew just over 2 months later he would be gone...

Ryan Kenneth Zarlenga

12/7/87 - 2/23/93

The smartest man I knew

bar none....

that was a quote from one of my dad's best friends.  It was a compliment and a true statement too. My father was of course the smartest man I knew, isn't that always the case with any girls father?

And so as I go through life with its struggles and surprises and ups and downs I always wish I could go back to those days of sitting around the kitchen table talking about life, talking about the world, talking about all those silly marriage, kids and family things that we used to talk about, but I can't.

I lost my dad 13 years ago today.   He was 53... way too young to die!

There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss him, don't think of him and don't question what he would want me to do in any given situation.

here with his sisters and cousins

He believed and lived with honesty and integrity and I miss him everyday!

Here's to remembering my father

3/12/44 - 2/7/98

 

Friendship

Its funny how I spent the first part of this morning editing pictures and putting together a post about friendship and what it means to me, to find out that a dear friend passed away. . .

My friend Joyce was one of those one in a million people.  Those people you aspire to be like, even if in the tiniest of ways.  Their attitude you want to emulate in your life everyday because it is one of always looking on the bright side of things, finding the positive in life, in each other.  She always did it...

 She spent month after month scrapbooking with us, laughing and joking as she put her memories into scrapbooks for her kids. All along as we shared in this hobby we all loved not knowing she was struggling through her own battle with cancer.  She didn't want to burden others with her disease, she didn't want people to treat her with sympathy or any different once they found out she was sick, so she just never told anyone. Years later she told us that we saved her... that our laughter and friendship helped her without us even knowing.

We went away on weekend scrapbook retreats, hung out at high school sporting events and attended the parties as the kids graduated high school.

She was a dear friend who unknowingly taught many lessons to those around her.  She is survived by her loving husband and two sweet and caring boys and I am forever blessed for sharing in her life.

 

I am thankful for...

thinking about Ryan lately.  Not that he's not always on my mind, but most times I have that "It's better to have loved and lost than to not loved at all" attitude.  Not today...

It all started when I found a box in the closet that contained a lot of his artwork from his school days.  In there was a calendar, one that marked the last year of his life.  As I scanned through the months looking for something to stand out, to make sense of it all, nothing did.

There were the usual doctor appointments marked, wedding shower plans for Lisa, 10 year high school reunion, Lisa's wedding, notes to call Natalie; our babysitter and so much more. It made for a bittersweet evening, until I came across this...

This sweet thing was made by Ryan and after picking it up and reading what he was thankful for I finally got to smile! 

I am thankful for..... Nintendo 

Thanks Rye!

And then there were three

Today is the anniversary of my brother Joe's death.  He went into the hospital on August 23rd and battled his way through all the complications from the aneurysm but then lost his life in surgery on September 17th.

I think about him constantly and a lot of times that thought takes me back to our childhood.  He and I both being middle children had an unspoken connection.  We played together as children and laughed and shared our struggles together through our adult years.

Just a week before his aneurysm we lost a close friend of the family and had gone to the funeral together.  He talked of the battle brewing with my younger brother and trying to get away from it before he was too close to the fire when it blew. We were trying to figure out a strategy, as he and I being middle children always try and find the middle ground in every situation and not take sides.  But that time never came...

 

For three weeks the battle with my younger brother stayed dormant. While Joe battled for his life in the hospital we were once again for the most part a close group of siblings, working towards a common goal of getting Joe healthy again.

The grief in the loss of our brother, the bad behavior and more from my younger brother kept me questioning God, questioning life, and asking why we didn't even have the knowledge of my father to help us through this?

And so here we are 7 years later and still stumbling through the dark trying to understand why these things happen.  Why families fall apart and why we lost someone who had so much good to share with the world?

Today I will remember my brother for all the good he brought to my life and so many others...  

Thinking of my brother today

Seven years ago today my brother began the battle for his life, which ultimately ended just 3 weeks later during surgery.  I can still remember the phone call from Lisa and hear the fear in her voice as she told me something is wrong with my brother and the ambulance is taking him to the hospital.

 

I was sick, instantly sick... throwing up and hyperventilating as I tried to get in touch with my husband who was away camping with Zach.

crying so hard my mother in law couldn't understand even who it was on the phone

 

I couldn't dare go to the hospital that night, I felt I would jinx him.  Yes, it was the 23rd and all I thought was that was the day Ryan died, I can't go there or Joe will die too.  

throughout the night my brother and sister called me updating me on his condition as we cried together, praying that he would be okay.

In the early morning of the 24th I finally felt safe to go to the hospital, and that is where we spent our lives for the next 3 weeks, as we went through each obstacle that was preventing him from surgery.  Those things that had to be fixed before surgery was even an option.  Fluid in his lungs, unknown brain damage, and more...

But every day that waiting room was full of family and friends, waiting for word that he had improved, and each day he did!

I remember my brother calling me crying saying he opened his eyes he opened his eyes as they started reducing the meds that caused the induced coma state he was in.  We celebrated!  We called everyone!  It was the best news we had gotten in weeks and we couldn't have been happier!

But as we know... that happiness was short lived.  Joe died during surgery 3 weeks later, but today I remember him and the battle he fought...

Forever and always my brother, my friend