Just a minute of my time...

April showers and other things to be grateful for

Continuing with my grateful goal...

 

• April 01, 2015 - Today I am grateful for my morning coffee, a chance to breathe, warm showers, spin class, time with Deb, House of Hunan, sending random packages
• April 02, 2015 - Today I am grateful for training with Milt, a free day, lunch with Zachary, writing, reading, library time
• April 03, 2015 - Today I am grateful for quiet afternoon, picking up mom, H2 wine bar, Chelsea and Anthony getting home, Texas Road house
• April 04, 2015 - Today I am grateful for a good day out with Deb and mom, baskets done, crafting with mom, writing, Easter Lily from hubs and spa gift
• April 05, 2015 - Today I am grateful for an amazing day with family celebrating Easter at Chelsea and Anthony's new house, a walk in the park with Joel and Bentley
• April 06, 2015 - Today I am grateful for lunch with mom, library time, training with Julie, spinning in the evening, silly dogs that make me smile
• April 07, 2015 - Today I am grateful for morning coffee, unraveling, shopping day, Chel over, wedding planning, writing again, warm temps, quiet night, water
• April 08, 2015 - Today I am grateful for a clean house, a great shopping day with Deb, more laughs with Deb, spin class, exercise challenges with hubby
• April 09, 2015 - Today I am grateful for meeting with Chelsea and Cat for shower, more wedding planning, getting errands done early, up to 2:30 bridge, reading time, writing time
• April 10, 2015 - Today I am grateful for morning cup filled with coffee, work out, shopping with Alexa, day 5 of cleanse, Chelsea offered new position, pizza for Zach
• April 11, 2015 - Today I am grateful for spa gift from hubby, facials, walks in the park, cleaning, planners, sunshine, open windows, 3 min bridge
• April 12, 2015 - Today I am grateful for waking early and enjoying the morning, meeting with florist, lunch with Chelsea, laughter with Diane and Lisa, movie - The longest ride 
• April 13, 2015 - Today I am grateful for that morning coffee, remembering a dream, training with Julie, lunch with Diane, wedding planning, walk in the park with Bentley, going to spin class even when I did not feel like going
• April 14, 2015 - Today I am grateful for
• April 15, 2015 - Today I am grateful for

New Location

Finally after many decisions and changes I have moved to the .com world

Creating new stories and pages as I grow... 

Come visit me at my new site

Unraveling my heart the write way

 

It is getting close to moving day...

We are just finishing up some little details on the site!

Adding a few new things and moving existing posts over, it might take a bit for the dust to settle, but I am looking forward to our new location!

Unravelingmyheartthewriteway.com

coming soon!

No pain no gain...

In exercise we often hear, no pain no gain...

But when a painful situation comes into our lives we are blind to see any possible growth or gain from it. Distance is necessary to articulate our perspective, and thats the hard part. The sadness and heartbreak often leave us stumbling for a purpose while we remain unable to grasp the overwhelming anguish.

Most of the struggles in life I wanted to move through quickly, immersed in grief was not a place I wanted to stay. Wishing it was 2 months, 6 months or even 1 year later, I would bargain with the sadness to no avail. I knew this battle all to well and I did not want to consider the long road ahead. Knowing a season would soften the heaviness on my heart, I wanted to rush through it so that life would become tolerable again.

Grief and pain are easier to discuss when we are not drowning in it. Down in the trenches of heartbreak, nothing is right with the world. Nobody understands the pain you feel and life holds little value. As you move forward each day, the fog begins to lift and slowly you begin to recognize the transformation, appearing in moments of peace, then hours, then days. Eventually you begin collecting good days and observe the progression, appreciating each step of the journey.

Within the discomfort from heartbreak is where the real work of grief begins, softening us today while molding us into something new for tomorrow. Formed because of the pain or hurt we have suffered, we start to untangle our grief and reshape our stronger selves. 

In Oprah's book, What I know for sure, she tells of a time when she was hurting from rumors and peoples actions and spoke with  her friend Maya Angelou through broken tears, Maya Angelou responded telling Oprah to, "say thank you." Oprah repeated, "I don't think you understand what I am telling you." Maya again repeated, "say thank you" because when you get to the other side of this pain you will understand why you went through it, so you may as well say thank you right now...

This resinated with me after stepping out of my own painful season. How much I had learned about myself and others during that hurtful period. Although nobody would ever invite pain into their life, once on the other side with the lessons learned, I too say thank you.

Sometimes the only way we will change directions in life is when our course is transformed for us, leaving no choice but to adapt to the alterations which now remain. In time you begin to see the beauty from all the development and will find yourself grateful again.

 

Still grateful

Finding gratefulness in the everyday things...

List at least 5 things in each day you are grateful for...

• March 01 - Today I am grateful for a day home, fireplaces, spark, coffee, photography, reading, writing, being creative.
• March 02 - Today I am grateful for egg whites, weight training, books, home depot, decorating, rearranging, organization
• March 03 - Today I am grateful for morning coffee, hot showers, journal writing, time with my daughter, painting, Chipotle 
• March 04 - Today I am grateful for a day with my sister, laughter, writing, coffee, spark, decorating, hubby doing room prep, wine
• March 05 - Today I am grateful for breakfast with mom and deb, answers to more questions, time to paint, 
• March 06 - Today I am grateful for my daughter, lunch at longhorn, pedicures, painting time, family dinner, so much laughter.
• March 07 - Today I am grateful for time to paint, finish makeover of room, dinner with family and friends, smoothies, melting snow
• March 08 - Today I am grateful for an entire day home, finishing projects, chalk paint, reading, mom having good day, my new work out room/office
• March 09 - Today I am grateful for a quiet day, adjusting to time change, training with Julie, running 3 miles, lunch with mom 
• March 10 - Today I am grateful for sticking to my goals, getting into office, Bentley
• March 11 - Today I am grateful for picking up Chel, lunch together, spin class, a sweet letter about my blog and sister, a clean house, new kit from Cocoa Daisy, a walk with Bentley
• March 12 - Today I am grateful for the lessons I remember from my father, my morning coffee, Monica Potters store, a day to relax, walking with Bentley, good work out
• March 13 - Today I am grateful for lunch date with girlfriends, date night with hubby, finding an old journal, writing, H2
• March 14 - Today I am grateful for shopping at unique places (funky junk), getting work done, home time to enjoy, decorating, life
• March 15 - Today I am grateful for morning coffee (my favorite), planners, organizing, kits, crafts, writing, checking things off list, a walk with Debbie and Chel
• March 16 - Today I am grateful for sunshine, girlfriends, wine, wedding planning, birthdays and laughter
• March 17 - Today I am grateful for sunshine, good driving, the dress, coming home, smiles, amazing friendships, more laughter
• March 18 - Today I am grateful for my morning coffee, a day with Deb, lunch with Chelsea, Mary at therapy, Gordon, spinning class, writing
• March 19 - Today I am grateful for picking up my dress, lunch with Chel at First Watch, favors with Debbie and Chelsea, an outdoor run, submitting another article, writing, Shaggy getting groomed
• March 20 - Today I am grateful for spark to get me going, boots to heal my leg quicker, girlfriends who stop by to help (Diane), sleep
• March 21 - Today I am grateful for an afternoon with Debbie, lunch out, getting her hair done, having my mom over, finishing crafts, my son bringing me a bottle of wine
• March 22 - Today I am grateful for breakfast with my family, a day home, finishing another book, writing, organizing, shelf hanging, wall washing, and smiles, so many smiles
• March 23 - Today I am grateful for completing tasks, work out, time with hubby, getting creative, reading, silly dogs
• March 24 - Today I am grateful for morning coffee, clean house, book club, girlfriends, petsmart, cute dog, finding old photos
• March 25 - Today I am grateful for laughing with my sister, support groups, Deb's humor, Barnes and Noble, 
• March 26 - Today I am grateful for morning coffee, heading out early, library time, time to be still, finishing another book
• March 27 - Today I am grateful for lunch with Chelsea, shower planning, girlfriends, Rocksino, drinks, laughter, friendship
• March 28 - Today I am grateful for a day home, writing, family, life, crafting, wedding planning, reading
• March 29 - Today I am grateful for breakfast with family, craft time, organizing house, working on shower favors, playing with Bentley
• March 30 - Today I am grateful for the new gym, spin class, receiving a request for my short story, writing, library, strength training with my hubby
• March 31 - Today I am grateful for helping Deb through rough morning, laughter, pedicures and Easter planning

The hardest part...

The hardest part for me...

Once the dust of another morning routine has settled, and everyone has gone off in a different direction I find myself lost in thought, my attention spinning  from what I need to get done and then to Debbie and how her morning is going? Followed by the swelling of anger I feel for the injustice of what has happened to her and how brave she was before the surgery.

A constant thrust of thoughts lurch through my mind, like that of an unbalanced teeter-totter, up then down, anger then sadness, jolting me each time I hit the bottom again. Recalling the days before her surgery, the courage she held was unmistakable, though worry still existed, she pushed it aside ready to take on the burden before her. I had admired her for many things in life, but this one had me in awe. 

Fearing the unknown is a normal response for anyone and although I know she was anxious for the upcoming surgery, she was ready to get beyond this segment and begin her life again. Keeping a brave face for her husband, boys and even me, she smiled, joked and shed a few tears before they wheeled her off to the operating room. Hope filled the room with the oxygen we needed, as we helplessly held our breath.

Before all the sadness in our lives, I practically believed that suffering was divided equally, that one family would not share the impact of so much heartache. Or maybe I had hoped my faith would be enough, and not showing my fear would be the kismet needed? How could I allow this false hope to consume my thoughts, anchoring my belief that we were due our happy ending as predictable as a Nicholas Sparks novel.

Now my inner cynic heeds to the famous "life's not fair" mantra, the one so many never suffering seem to rant. One would council me to concentrate on the blessings, and I often do, but there are times when we need an opportunity to step away from the grace we are seeking. Giving ourselves time to shed the necessary tears and once freshly awoken we can set out in search of the light once more.

Currently Debbie does not remember that she had surgery, which could be a good thing, but instead another reminder of all the things absent. Each day a clean slate, beginning with questions about the boys or where she is supposed to be. Currently we are filling her days with activities geared to help her thrive and maintain simple tasks, and many times they exhaust her. Changes in medication and doctors are on going as we continue to navigate through this unknown area of the brain.

While many of the days are a daunting repeat of questions filled with frustration and disappointment, Debbie continues to adorn our time together with her humor. At our most recent TBI outing she recognized the nice looking doctor that took care of her at Mentis. While I was thrilled with her ability to remember him, she added laughter that continues to bubble up in me still.

As the three of us approached the doctor Debbie turned to Gordon and I and said, "You and Tina can go get the car," giving her time to chat with the nice looking doctor. We all busted out laughing as her playfulness fills us up once more...

 

Which way are we going?

There are days when things are moving forward and others where I feel I have lost direction...

Bellowing out songs from the seventies station brings about a grin, especially when Debbie serenades with her best "David Cassidy" moves, audaciously singing her rendition of "I think I love you," not missing a beat. Soon my smile fades and the conversation lingers back to the familiar confused chatter.

Last week, together with her therapist we attempted to aid Debbie in understanding how to follow written directions. It was heart wrenching to witness the confusion she felt when unable to untangle a word in her brain, or complete the action which was asked because it did not make sense to her. The reality check pushed us both, Debbie to frustration and me to masking the tears that were building inside and the concern, "will she ever get better?"

What she has gone through since her surgery is distressing to observe. The struggles she endures DAILY challenge everyone, often leading to both physical and mental exhaustion. Simple tasks are overwhelming and frustrating, and finding a new way for her to learn is on going. Often her words are  tangled or even lost all together making any conversations grueling.

The following day my daughter and I went to lunch, while sharing Debbie's day with her, my eyes filled  with tears, that candidly slid down my face. As I cried, Chelsea began crying too, broken both for her aunt and for me, we found our selves in the place where heartbreak brings you together. We gently began wiping away the tears and broke the melancholy with a giggle, imagining what the people surrounding us in the restaurant thought?

The ebb and flow of life prompted me to consider the blessings I have. Blessings that include lunch and tears with my daughter, a drive to Michigan to share life and laughter with friends and a place to come home to where the friendships with amazing women help mend your broken pieces.

Filled with trials and triumphs and paths that lead us in many directions while molding us into someone new along the way. With each struggle we expand our knowledge, growing into a more tender being. In time the tears soften and light surfaces, faintly at first, like a ship distant in the ocean, eventually flooding in with brilliance and encouragement to keep propelling us forward.

Each new day, another opportunity to learn and grow. Working through the challenging things while pausing to appreciate the beauty  in the process. A dance that is ever changing, with new music and movement, slowly guiding us on our journey of life.

 

It was not always like this...

The sounds of annoyance escape her breath as she plunges into the couch...

Bitterly, she abandons her attempt to put on her sock and looks around frustrated. Resentful of her abilities, or the lack of, she struggles with what was once a simple task. Tenderly I take the sock from her hand and kneel down in front of her to help. "Thank you," she quips in an exhausted tone, and again my heart breaks for her.

It was not always like this...

Each day a new journey, with more obstacles to climb in an attempt to find our bearings, with Debbie enduring the toughest battle of us all. The life we once shared is a distant memory, gone without warning, changing us all into these new beings, a challenge we grapple with each day.

Nineteen months post surgery, the life we knew interrupted, the future uncertain. The hope we once clung to, depleted, with our expectations sinking. I search the neurologist eyes while I inquire about her recovery, he replies with a gentle tone, offering no false security to her future. The concerns of what may make a difference, even he hesitates their promise.

For a moment it is quiet as the doctor leaves the room, we are left with no definite resolution for her recovery. Debbie begins to weep, with her confusion searching for answers, believing they have given up and her life is ending. We attempt to clear her confusion, but the tears keep coming back in a continual loop of doubt.

She is in there some days, like a magic act she appears piecing together stories of her past. Bringing laughter to the moment and reminding us all of the person she was before the surgery. But soon the laughter fades, the confusion steps into its shadow and darkens another moment of the seasons we share with Debbie.

The desire to be creative, crafty and helpful still fill her mind with the same excitement that once existed, but the patience and stamina are no longer present, leaving mastery at some tasks fleeting, and too difficult for her brain to be enjoyable.  Comparable to the difficulty with socks, leaving her overwhelmed, frustrated and often abandoning the task.

The extremes of her personality and memory conflict with the abilities and traits she once mastered so well. Once armed with a to-do list that filled her calendar, she thrusted through the happenings of a day. Today she is filled with the belief of accomplishing those same tasks in her day, when it is non existent.

Our once cheerful shopping adventures have forged into a new battle, one where she is armed with novice toys and plush trinkets for the boys that are not age appropriate, something she would have never picked up in the past. Cautiously I try and defuse her purchase, usually deflating her joy back to frustration as I once again reveal how old the boys are.

A charade of mystery consumes our lives, the obstacles Debbie will face each day on this journey will lead us on a continued search for answers. The brain, such a complicated organ, conjointly leaves many doctors perplexed but will continue to motivate us towards solutions in making her life better.

 

 

Dementia

what I've learned from Dementia...

When someone is mean, it is usually because they are hurting in some way. My mother has never been a mean person, in fact she never spoke up for herself, even when it would have been understandable.

Throughout life we meet people we think are friends, and find out, sometimes the hard way that they are not, discovering their toxic ways when they hurt more than help. While a dismal relationship, we learn a lot from toxic people, and in the end gather sympathy for them. Why? Because they are hurting, sad and lash out to protect their own hearts instead of opening up and letting themselves be vulnerable.

But how do you handle it when someone impaired with dementia acts angrily or mean? When it is your family and you are trying to do positive things for them, and they in turn are acting like a child. Why is this so much harder than that toxic relationship?

Usually when people are toxic, you can remove yourself from them, but when it is family and they are ailing, you are left with few choices. 

My greatest challenge in dealing with dementia and my mother is patience. After a day fueled with angry outbursts you find yourself drained in ways you never knew possible. When this person who was once your mother can no longer string enough words together to form a sentence, yet pulls her hair and yells when she is confused, you want to walk away.

All the things she once thrived at, now leave her baffled and awkward. From decorating a room to picking up a paint brush, she stands childishly disorganized. In an attempt to stimulate her mind I present crafts and projects which often leave her frozen, afraid to make a mistake, leaving me in a state to pull out my own hair.

Apparently patience is a trait I am lacking, something God sees I need work with, and I agree. It is hard to supply patience to an existing relationship. One where they once understood and now they do not. When you find yourself repeatedly saying remember, then realizing they don't. When the family that was once your foundation is now in need of your support, selfishly you feel abandoned.

 

 

Having a daughter

I never knew having a daughter could be so amazing...

We had always guessed Deb was supposed to have a daughter. She would love playing with a girls hair and trying different styles. 

25 years ago today we were all shocked when the doctor exclaimed "it's a girl" 

Born at exactly 7am in a birthing room at Southwest General Hospital just as the television blared "good morning america" and I couldn't have agreed more! 

Hard to believe twenty-five years have gone by!

Having Chelsea in my life has saved me in ways I never knew possible, many times by just being there. As a child when we lost Ryan, she gave me reason to keep going. Through her teen years, she gave me reason to teach lessons, lots of lessons...

But once she left for college our relationship bloomed into something even I had never imagined. Each of us there for one another, through all the rough spots, and treasuring all the good we were privileged to share.

She never stops amazing us with all that she accomplishes with her life

She was the reason I began running, a loyal friend, giving in every way and so darn funny, even when she's not trying to be!

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl! You have been a blessing to us all!